The gym I go to is in a “blue collar” area of Perth (or maybe “no collar” might be more accurate). I’ve been spending a bit of time there lately so here’s a few pointers if you’re thinking of coming along…

Preparation begins in the sports shop so buy yourself plenty of  Everlast body building vests and Tapout t-shirts are also gaining a bit of traction lately. A pair of board shorts is a popular choice of pants, as are full length jogging bottoms to hide those undeveloped legs. Sometimes people wear a baseball cap on backwards. Everyone has an iPod.

Tattoos. Ink is a must. Those “scrolly script” tats on the neck and along the length of the forearm are a popular choice these days. For the Aussies, the “southern cross stars” design is an absolute must, as are the Maori tats for the New Zealanders. Its also common practise to get the black outlines done first and when you have the time and money, get the colour added later. Which makes sense, especially if you have a big undertaking like a full sleeve going on.

Posture. How you carry yourself is important in the gym. Luckily you can practise this key skill in the privacy of your own home. The aim is to get the chest out, the head way back and your arms out from the sides – try sticking an orange in each armpit and bend backwards like you are just about to do some limbo-dancing…

A balanced workout. The aim of going to the gym is as follows…

1) To get big arms and shoulders

2) To get big chest

3) To get a flat stomach

4) See point 1

Basically, the body shape you are trying to achieve is the much sought-after “inverted Dorito” …

Masterfully demonstrated here by the star of “Machete”, Danny Trejo. In fact, he would make an ideal member of the local gym. He’s got the lot – the man mountain physique, the numerous tattoos, the air of brooding menace… a natural for a causal membership to the weights room (no Spin classes or Body Step please).

And one final word on cardio exercise, all that tedious fitness stuff on treadmills and the like. Nah!